


Self Harm and Robots

by Djill101



Category: Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers: Robots in Disguise (2015)
Genre: F/M, Self Harm, TW: Self Harm, TW: cutting, tw cutting, tw self harm, warning: suicidal ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:41:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24959320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Djill101/pseuds/Djill101
Summary: The human liaison is chewed out by her robo-crush in front of everyone. They don’t apologize to her and she is already going into a dark time due to unrelated things. The whole incident tips her over the edge and she already sees the whole relationship disintegrating.
Relationships: fort max x reader, fortmax x reader, fortress maximus x reader
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

You’re not tough. You’re not strong. You certainly aren’t resilient. All these things and more you tell yourself as you keep to yourself. You’re just a burden to everyone here. These amazing beings are gods and you are nothing. They have been through so much worse and here you are feeling sorry for yourself. It’s nothing. They want nothing to do with you. They have had far better human liaisons in the past and you are nothing compared to them. 

'They don’t want to be around you. Just wait until the next time they’re around another Earth embassy- they’ll drop you off there and ask for another.' Your thoughts reflected these sentiments daily. 

At this time, it wouldn’t be such a bad idea. You’re not doing well. Everyone is stressed out over the adventure of that week. Fort Max, in a moment of anger and confusion, informed you that you were a danger to everyone on board. “We don’t have the time or mech power to have to constantly look out for you,” He shouted. 

You didn’t like it when people shouted. You were a liaison for your government, and you were chosen, apparently, for your calm demeanour and open-minded nature. You felt anything but calm in this moment. Getting yelled at by one of the people that you admired the most was the last thing that you needed. It was the perfect end to the perfect week.

As much as you wanted to curl up in your habsuite and stare out at space in the dark, you had a job to do. So, you continued to work, pretending that nothing happened. Some days were harder than others. Fort Max was avoiding you too. When you worked, you took to putting headphones in, ignoring the safety precautions set by Ultra Magnus. He wasn’t there to call you up for it. You swore you saw Max’s panels peaking out from around the corner, but you couldn’t be sure. It was nothing. Fort Max was not the type of ‘bot to sneak around anyways.

Things were getting hard. It wasn’t the whole-being-in-space-thing either. This shit happened to you no matter where you went. It was times when you got too much in your own head. Some people had claimed it was a part of your selfishness that made you this way. You thought of no one but yourself, and wasn’t that the problem? Who were you to be here? They needed someone far more qualified to fulfill this role.

Unknown to you, your distant behaviour didn’t go unnoticed. Rodimus was losing his easy nature with each passing cycle. Ultra Magnus, for once, was quiet about your headphones and your closed door. Usually, he preferred it when you had your door opened so that you could be more aware of what was happening. Megatron and you were never very close to begin with, but he appreciated the effort that you did make and the little attempts at conversation. Now you barely spoke. 

Fortress Maximus was probably the most hated mech aboard this ship, which was saying a lot, considering that there was the ex-leader of the Decepticons with them and Whirl. A lot of mechs were avoiding him and not talking to him as a result of what he said. He deserved it. He yelled at you.

You, who was always so nice to him and so patient and so understanding, he yelled at you. He wasn’t sure why. One moment, his insides were swirling with dread when he thought that you had perished, and then you appeared, all in all, unharmed. Rather than, take you up in his servos and hold you to his chassis like he wanted to, he got angry. You could have died. He thought you had, actually. This was unacceptable. You didn’t deserve to be in this danger. You should be protected and on this ship, you were far from safe. How could no one else see the danger you were in? How come you didn’t see it?

He got mad.

He yelled at you, optics blazing and servos clenched as he attacked you with words and unfair claims. No one else wanted to mess with him when he got like that. No one wanted to risk an episode or your harm. It was one thing if he was getting angry at another Cybertronian, but he was yelling at a human. If they had intervened prematurely, it could have set him off and you could be a lot worse than upset. 

You left.

Well, physically you were still there but emotionally and mentally, you seemed to be elsewhere. Your work station was put in such a place to ensure your safety and so it was actually quite out of the way of the high-traffic areas. If you didn’t venture out to interact with people, you wouldn’t see anyone. 

It really had very little to do with Fort Max yelling at you. That was just one thing. It was the whole situation that was fucking you up. Maybe, you should have gone to see Rung, but that would require venturing out and talking to people. 

Of course, you could have just contacted him on the super sophisticated wireless messaging system, but then again, you could just as easily not be more of a burden. He’s the one therapist on this ship. And he’s not for you to talk to, he’s for people who have had real trauma in their thousands of years of living. Your short two decades and a half weren’t worth the trouble. 

It was a bad time for you. You missed your home more than ever. You missed your family. You missed your friends- so much. You just missed the boring, simple life. This happened to you then as well, but it was easier to deal with when you were around your own kind.

As you stared out into space, you clutched the razor in your hand. You just needed to do this to get back to normal. You still had a whole week ahead of you and you weren’t going to be able to do your job effectively if you didn’t do something about this oppressive coldness. It had to go. It was so cliched of you but making yourself bleed made it easier to get back to normal. 

…

You left your habsuite and smiled brightly at the mechs that you passed, greeting them politely. They seemed a little surprised for some reason but you didn’t think much of it. As you walked into the pink office, you were confronted with Rodimus staring glumly at some reports. “Do you need help with those?”

His helm snapped up. “What? Oh, hey!” He nearly knocked everything off of his desk as he came close to you. A large smile was stretched across his face plates as he knelt down to your level. “How’s my favourite human doing?”

Your eye twitched. He was just being nice, because he knew how pathetic you were. He must have talked to Rung or Drift, or someone must have told him that was how to deal with people who got yelled at. “I’m fine,” Your shoulders dropped and you felt your chest get tight. “Anyways, I just wanted to say ‘hi.’” 

You missed the movement of his nose and the furrow of his brow as you ducked your head down and turned away. 

The day went on as normal and you thought it was sort of strange how Rodimus kept poking his head in to look at you, but you weren’t really paying attention. The cut on your thigh throbbed slightly.

The next day, you saw Megatron. It could have been your imagination but you could have sworn he was leaning in closer. Usually, he kept his distance, so that was odd. There was something off about his expression too. 

Another cut had joined the one on your thigh. You told yourself it was the last one, but then you caught Ultra Magnus and Rodimus whispering furiously at one another. They stopped as soon as they saw you creeping up on them. So, it was about you. 

That night, you couldn’t stop yourself. Three more cuts. That was the last time, you said to yourself as you cleaned up the mess through teary eyes. It would be okay, if you just got to the end of this week. The further time you could get from this event, the better.

When you saw Rung and Fort Max waiting for you in front of your office the next day, you nearly dropped your coffee. What the hell was happening? They hadn’t spotted you yet, so you got the tail end of what they were saying, “I know you want to make amends, but right now might not be the best time,”

He was cut off by Rodimus stepping in. “I really, really, really don’t think he should see her right now.”

“What?” Fort Max was losing his patience. “Why not?” 

You cleared your throat. It was time to be an adult. “What’s going on here?” You managed to ask in the most professional tone you could muster. 

Rung looked between you two with concealed dread. “We wanted to see how you were doing after the attack.”

“Yeah, Rung is really interested to know, and I think it would be good to talk it out, with him.” Rodimus hinted awkwardly. “Just him.”

Of course you already knew what was going on. The sensitive human was ruining morale and they needed the psychologist’s intervention to make her feel better so that they could all get back to work. It was simple really. “I’m fine. Nothing to worry about, really.” You even ‘smiled’ at Fort Max.

His optics went downwards immediately and you tried not to feel too down about that. He didn’t want to associate with you anymore, not after the way he denounced your presence. It was understandable that he wanted to stick to his principles. Maybe they were asking you to leave now. You continued walking, keeping your eyes to yourself. If he didn’t want to talk to you then that was fine. But your office was behind them. 

Suddenly, the sound of rattling metal made it’s way to your ears. You heard what sounded like a curse and suddenly you found yourself very high up off the ground. Your stomach plunged at the quick ascent. Fortress Maximus’ face loomed in closer. “You’re hurt! We need to get her to a medic, now! This is exactly what I was talking about! She can’t be here. She’s only going to be-”

“You need to put her down.” Rung said in a calm tone. “We’ll get her the help she needs, but you need to release her.”

From your position, you saw his optics narrow at the other mechs in the room. “Who did this? Who would dare?”

In his servos, your chest was beginning to get tight. How did he know? Did they all know? Oh god. “Put me down. Put me down now!” You shouted at him, banging on the metal that surrounded you.

Fort Max called out your name. “Who hurt you? I’ll destroy them, just tell me, please tell me.”

You shook your head keeping your eyes squeezed shut. “No one. It was an accident.”

“You’re lying to protect them, why?”

“Max, don’t you think it would be a good idea to get her some help first?” Rodimus all but shouted. “Let’s get her to Ratchet. Just put her down, big guy- she’s a human, not a pet.”

The ex-prison guard stared the smaller mech down and announced solemnly. “I’ll take her myself, since none of you seem to be adept at keeping her from bleeding for one day.”

That was how you found yourself being forcefully escorted to the Med-bay. Ratchet was going to kill you. Fort Max was going to kill Ratchet. And it would all be your fault. Damn. Damn. Damn. You tried to plead to him to let you go but you weren’t eager to cause a scene. “I can walk, please, let me walk.”

“The damage has been done to your legs, so no.” He didn’t even look down at you.

“Max, please. I can take care of this myself-”

He stopped. “Tell me who did this to you.”

Your lip began to tremble. “I told you- no one did it. It was an accident-”

He gritted his dentae. “That’s not the truth! I know you’re not telling me who it is, because you’re scared. You don’t need to be scared, not when I’m here.”

“What are you talking about?” You felt a little breathless after that declaration. Your mind was beginning to pull you under again though. “It’s not…that important, Max. Don’t worry about it.” You pulled your knees to your chest.

The door to the med-bay opened and Ratchet stood on the other side. He took in the much bigger mech’s form without so much as a twitch as he said, “Put her on the table please, and leave us.”

He might as well as asked him to leave his spark chamber there. “No. We need to find out who did this to her.” 

Your anxiety made you quiet and say nothing at the fact that they were speaking as if you weren’t there. 

“This has to do with patient-doctor confidentiality.”

“She is ours to protect! And she won’t tell me who did it to her,”

Ratchet stood his ground. “I need to treat her first, and you can’t-”

“It’s fine!” You shouted, trying to stand up in his hands, but he kept you down. “Can we just get this over with?” You pleaded at the obtuse mech holding you.

He seemed to think that someone on this ship hurt you and that was the last thing you needed right now. Something in your tone must have convinced the mech to trust you because he did as you asked and deposited you onto the table. 

“You need to turn around before she can take off her-”

“Absolutely not.” Max’s paranoia was out to play and he wasn’t going to miss this for the world. “If you’re not going to tell me who did this to you, then I will have to figure it out for myself. You shouldn’t be protecting them.” He turned his face downwards to admonish you.

Your eyes hardened and you stared at the wall. Funny, this was not how you imagined your time aboard an alien ship going. You certainly didn’t think that it would end this way. Oh well. At least you would have an amazing story to tell. 

Max repeated your name and Ratchet was about to get into a fight with him again on behalf of your privacy and dignity, but you already undid the button. You couldn’t bear to look at any one of them as the fabric fell away from your legs.

Cold air hit the cuts which were bleeding out into the hastily applied bandages. 

There was an intake of air.

And then silence. You closed your eyes and crossed your arms, trying to compose yourself as dozens of scars crisscrossing your thighs came to light.


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the support!!! Here’s a semi-happy ending??

Fortress Maximus was good at living in denial, especially when it came to you. He denied a lot of things that had to do with his and your relationship. He didn’t accept that he felt a certain pull when you were around. He didn’t acknowledge the way he nearly spilt his drink when he first heard you speak. The other mechs, notably Rodimus and Swerve, liked to rave about how great you were and how nice it was to have someone like you on board.

“Not just because she’s human,” Rodimus was pretty deep in his cups as him and Swerve gushed about you. “But her being human helps. Definitely.”

Fort Max gave the captain and the bartender an odd look. “What does that mean?” He couldn’t understand what appeal a tiny, squishy organic like yourself could have. It wasn’t personal. He just didn’t get it. 

“You see, humans are…soft. Not all humans are soft, but she is…soft and nice and pretty.”

“And is she soft to Megatron?” Fort Max couldn’t see that one going over well. What kind of self-respecting being would willingly work with someone who had sought to eliminate your entire race? 

“Heh, no. One time, she called him- what was it? A dictator with the emphasis on the Dick part. Of course, she was pretty jet lagged at the time.” Rodimus remembered fondly stroking his drink. “That was after she lectured me for not finishing my reports.” He pouted, setting his head down. 

“I thought she was soft.” That didn’t sound very soft to the warden.

“Cuddly but not stupid,” Swerve stuck up a digit. 

Later on, Rodimus would admit that you seemed to make even Megatron less prickly. Fort Max knew that the two mechs were a bit biased when it came to those organics, what were they called? Humans. Right. Swerve seemed to regard all of humanity as a celebrity-race, while Rodimus was made to think of fond times before he was a Prime. 

Then, you walked into the bar performing a reaction which Max would later learn was called a ‘yawn.’ Humans did that when they were tired. He looked at you cautiously and couldn’t help but to wonder at your size. You were so tiny. How had no one accidentally crushed you yet? Rodimus spotted you right after Swerve did.

Your little face broke out into a smile which Max conceded was rather pleasing. As Rodimus held out his hand for you to get up on, the warden felt a flash of fear. The other mech had been imbibing quite a few amount of drinks. What if he applied too much pressure and-?

You hopped out of his servos and landed on the bar with practiced ease. “How are we doing tonight?” Your tone and posture spoke to your professional nature. Fort Max felt himself lean closer. He didn’t expect such a tiny organic to have such a secure tone around beings like himself.

“I finished those reports you asked me to,” Rodimus slurred, tilting his head close to you.

“All of them?” You raised your eyebrows, extremely aware of his two-truths system that he had when it came to completing his work. 

He nodded with a puppy dog-like expression. 

“Good stuff, I’m proud of you, you know, for you doing your job,” Just then, you winked at Fort Max who was watching you two unabashedly. 

The mech’s shoulders jumped and he felt his face plates go a little warm. Swerve looked between you and him and introduced the both of you. Wasting no time, you started a conversation with them all easily and fluidly. 

Fort Max felt himself relax more and more as you spoke to them. There were no awkward pauses due to the mech’s self-consciousness or obtrusive thoughts. Before they knew it, Rodimus was passed out and Swerve was ushering the last few patrons out of the bar. 

You two had talked the whole night away it seemed. 

Later on, he would tell himself that you were just being nice, because you were a nice person. Still, he could agree that there was a certain appeal about your voice, and your eyes, and the way your smile was a little wider on one side, and how you moved your hands when you got excited- 

Oh no.

Fort Max tried to shake those thoughts out of his head. It was one conversation. Albeit, it was one conversation that lasted the whole night. He fell into recharge, letting his mind sink into guilty thoughts of what it would be like if you could trust him like you trusted Rodimus. Would you go into his hands and let him carry you around? Why was that thought so appealing? It made his spark race just thinking about having you in his hands, close to him. 

He got to see you more but it took you seeking him out. And when he did see you, he forgot about everything bad momentarily and a strange light feeling filled his spark. He couldn’t help but to smile for real and answer your inquiries which came from a place of honest curiosity. You two ended up spending more and more time together.

Some days were harder than others. The road to recovery was not an easy one, as Rung had told him time and time again. He often questioned why they were even bothering trying to help him. The resources could go to far better causes. “You have friends aboard, you have people here who care about you. They wouldn’t want to see you go, Max. Think of how they would feel if you were to leave them.”

He stared down at his servos and he saw your face in his mind as he was brought back to one day when he was having a particularly hard time. He reacted in violence at the obtrusive thoughts. But you didn’t flee or scream or call him a monster which he surely was- 

It was by accident that you had even seen him in the first place. He was doing very well not to talk to anyone and then you approached with that smile on your lips- He managed to reply in stunted responses and got mad at himself, swearing that he heard a voice next to his ear: She doesn’t care about you. She’s just being nice. You’re going to be the death of her. She is just so breakable and you are so good at breaking things, Warden-

SLAM!

He hit the wall, making the whole corridor shake. Alarm and shock crossed your face and he realized what he did- oh no! Before he could start to explain that he wasn’t going to hurt you and that it was an accident, believe it or not- you ran up to him. “Max, are you okay?” 

The mech was so shocked that he felt himself on his knees. You should have fled from him, not approach him. Did you have no sense of self-preservation? 

But you put a hand on his plating and stared up into his optics with unwavering concern. “Tell me what I can do,” Your voice was steady and calm. It was with practiced ease that you spoke to him. 

He reached a hand out to you and you stepped towards it. He brought you to his chassis and held you close to him. Rather than recoil or squirm in his grip, you stayed quiet and rested a hand against the metal of his chest. To you, this was the closest that you were going to get to hugging him. This mech who went through so much and put himself through so much more suffered for it and yet he still did it. You pitied him, but not as a stranger would. You cared about him, deeply, and possibly more than anyone else on this ship. 

Back in Rung’s office, Fortress Maximus decided that he could keep on trying to make it by remembering the feeling of your hand over his spark. You weren’t just being nice, he finally admitted to himself. He had a friend.  
…

Now his friend was trembling, falling to piece before his very optics. Fort Max couldn’t move as he stared at your bare skin. There were fresh marks on you, and it didn’t take an expert in human biology to know what those white marks were and who they were made by.

His mind worked quickly to deduce who could have possibly followed you onboard to continue this damage, but it kept going back to the same conclusion. 

You had done this to yourself. 

For some reason you had sliced through your own skin. But why?

Ratchet put a hand on his shoulder, none too gently. “Now, can you let me tend to my patient?”

Fort Max didn’t want to leave you, but you still had your eyes closed and your shoulders were beginning to tremble. You weren’t smiling and telling him that everything was going to be okay. “I’ll be- I’ll come back.” He promised you as you kept your eyes shut and shook your head.  
..

You let the medic tend to your cuts. His silence was judgment enough and you couldn’t get Fort Max’s voice out of your head. He sounded so sad, and why wouldn’t he be? You were certifiably not fit for this mission. It was official.

“Are you going to make me go back to earth now?” 

Ratchet was quiet for a moment. “It’s not my call to make.”

“Do you think I should go back?”

“I think you should submit yourself to our psychologist and I think we should set you up with some medication, if you would agree to it.” He continued to work as he spoke in a low tone. “We can’t make you do anything, but I can’t let you continue to do this.”

The med-bay doors slid opened and Rung came in. He smiled gently and spoke your name with an affectionate timber. You squeezed your eyes shut and felt your shoulders begin to shake. Keep it together- now was not the time to-

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not.” Your lips were trembling. “I shouldn’t- I’m sorry.” You cleared your throat and tried to remain composed, “I didn’t want to cause a fuss. We don’t have time for this,”

“I hope you know that this isn’t a matter of time or job efficiency. We are worried about you. Can you tell me how long you have been doing this?”

You pressed your lips together, and when you opened them to speak, a broken noise came from your mouth. Beneath the stern gaze of Ratchet and the judgement-free gaze of Rung, you felt yourself clam up. 

As much as you wanted to open up and talk freely about the scary apathy that was prone to taking over you, you couldn’t. You never could, which was probably why you dealt with it in your own way. The time that you did tell people…it never worked out well for you. It was better to not tell anyone. 

You shook your head after a few deep breaths and said, “I’m sorry. I can’t.” There was too much at risk. You didn’t want to leave. 

That was not what either one of the mechs wanted to hear and Ratchet looked like he was going to start chanting the reasons why you should but he didn’t. He patched you up and said, “You do this again, and I’m going to make you share a room with somebody.”

“He won’t.” Rung said as soon as he left. “But he’s right. We can’t let you keep on like this. If you are suffering, you can tell me-”

“I can’t! You have so much more shit to deal with, I’m not…I’m not vital to this mission here. You have so much more important things and people to worry about, Rung. I just- I just need to make sure that I know what’s going to happen. Can I keep my job or are you going to make me go back to earth?”

“Do you want to go back?”

“No, of course not. And even if I did, I made a commitment. I can’t back out now,”

“You could.” He said, “If it gets to be too much, you can leave.”

“It’s not too much. It was fine until-” You swallowed. “This just happens to me sometimes. It doesn’t matter where I am. I need to- can you tell Fort Max that? I don’t want him to think that I’m going to off myself tomorrow, okay? I don’t know if he’ll care, but- he wants me to leave and I don’t want to leave,”

Rung leaned forward from the seat he had taken. Your legs hung over the side of the berth. “Why do you think Fort Max wants you to leave?”

“He actually said so.” You glared at the wall. “And he’s right, isn’t he? I can’t take care of myself-”

“I think you’ve been doing a good job so far.”

You snorted. “Really? I doubt that you actually think so, Rung, sorry.”

“I do think that. These most recent cuts are the first ones you’ve had in a long time, if I’m not mistaken. I think you have had a good handle on your illness considering how stressful your position is.”

“I shouldn’t be here if I have an illness in the first place,”

“Why?”

“Because that’s the last thing you need, obviously.” You rolled your eyes, unused to letting your anger manifest so outwardly. 

“I don’t think you should underestimate your value and what you mean to all of the souls aboard this ship because of your depression.”

Whenever somebody said that word in relation to you, it never felt real. Having a psychiatrist say it validated its existence in you. Tears began to sting at your eyes again. “I don’t know what you need me here for, I don’t know what I really add to this cause. And now, I’m just a human with a messed up head and everyone knows that. They don’t want me here,” You bit your lip to keep it from trembling. 

“You know that isn’t true, and you know a handful of people around us that would vehemently disagree, illness or no illness.”

“That just makes it worse.” You confessed as your voice cracked, “It’s knowing that if I drop the ball, or if I get killed or smushed- then, I’ll let not only everyone back at home down, but also those people that care about me here, too.” You took a breath and ran your hands down your face, “I need to be strong and not break down every time a gun goes off or we get transported into another dimension. And if I can’t be strong, then I shouldn’t be on this ship.”

“We’re not strong all the time. We recharge, we refuel, and ideally, we ask for help when we need it.” Rung explained, thinking of a certain mech who was similarly afflicted. “You aren’t weak because you’re human or because you have an illness. You have overcome a great deal in your life to bring you to this moment. Not everyone can say the same.”

You still couldn’t shake the idea that he was just pitying you and entertaining you while your superiors planned to trade you in for a better human. “I guess so.”  
…

Fort Max paced around his habsuite. The white lines plagued his mind. You were so tiny, so little, and so very fragile. You had very little blood in you. 

Why would you spill it on purpose? 

As much as he wanted to rage and to wonder, he didn’t have to. That hollow feeling in his own chassis silenced his curiosity. No, he couldn’t say that he knew exactly what you were going through, but he knew enough. 

He never even suspected. The mech was so caught up in his own trauma that he didn’t even consider that there was any pain behind your sweet smile and shining eyes. You weren’t just some happy little pet, running up to the mechs on board to shower them in affection. You were a person with your own problems. How could he be so blind to it though?

You never let on and you never told him. He thought that he knew you, in fact, he prided himself on it. But the others seemed to have caught on before he did. They clearly knew you better than he did. They cared about you more than he did. They weren’t the ones that yelled at you, either. Because they knew better not to upset you like he did- 

No. He shouldn’t have yelled at you regardless. Seeing your relief fade into alarm and then into a sparkling-like expression of despondency as he scolded you made him feel a range of different things. He felt bad later on, but at the time, he felt so furious and helpless that he wanted to make you understand. You were just so little and so young. 

But you weren’t those things. You had a big heart, and your kindness didn’t come from naivety. You were a person who understood the danger you were in and still went into it everyday. That was as unacceptable to him as it had been before. 

You couldn’t stay here. It was killing you. 

….

When, Rung left, they came bursting through the door. Well, Rodimus came bursting in while Ultra Magnus was dignified and he took his time. 

“We need to talk.” The red mech held out his servos.

“Is now really the best time?” Ratchet called out as he began organizing some of his tools in the far corner of the room. He returned shortly after Rung left. They had talked outside, but she didn’t hear what they were saying. 

“It is important that you feel safe aboard this vessel, and given the means of transportation that brought you here-” Ultra Magnus began to speak.

“What he means to say is that Fort Max is a little…unstable, and maybe, you’re better off not being so close to him?” Rodimus put his arm on the berth and leaned in close. “Like, I’m single, so, you know…”

“Are you joking?”

“Of course he is,” Magnus put a servo on Rodimus’ shoulder and jerked him back none too gently. “What we mean to say is that Fortress Maximus has crossed many lines in the past few hours. Given his history as a warden, we shouldn’t be very surprised that he feels the need to handle others physically in situations of great stress and-”

“And he’s not so great with his words. While you might be tiny and cute and all, he can’t just go picking you up and plopping you down at Ratchet’s front door without your permission. He knows that, but you see, he’s a little…” Rodimus twirled a digit in a circle next to his head.

“You think he’s crazy?” You asked slowly, fingers curling into two fists.

Rodimus smiled. “That’s a good word for it,” You wished you were big enough to see eye to eye with them, and then maybe punch him. The anger that you were usually so good at burying was coming up fast.

“He’s unstable and he has clearly shown a disregard towards your personal autonomy by treating you in such a manner.”

“So, you think I shouldn’t trust him because he has mental issues? Because he’s a danger to himself and everyone on board?” Your voice betrayed no emotion. “Should he be made to leave? Will you just replace him?”

“No, of course not.” Magnus straightened up but he must have caught the stink eye that Ratchet was sending him. 

“Are we still talking about Fort Max?” 

“Captains, I think you are needed elsewhere. Anywhere.” The medic approached with his servos ready to throw down to get them out of here if need be. He had been bossed around his own med-bay enough for one lifetime. 

The two finally took the message and left.   
..

You were taken back to your room and given strict orders to ‘keep your stress levels low.’

Like…how? 

Life was stressful. Ultra Magnus wanted you to be confined to the med-bay, while Rodimus was all for giving you a couple of days off to recuperate. Neither one of those options sat well with you. You wouldn’t be much good around ailing Cybertronians unable to do anything to help and just being in the way. And staying alone in your room seemed like a terrible idea. 

Whatever any of those two said seemed like a bad idea, given the conversation you had just had with them.

You weren’t sure why you were so angry about leaving now. Your biggest secret had been outed. Before that, you had been under the impression that they were going to send you all away after Fort Max’s blow up. Well, fuck it. You worked your ass off to get here. You were not going to be sent away. No way. 

The silence was suffocating and against all precautions of ‘take time to heal’ you set out. There were still some things you could organize in your office to make tomorrow easier.

…

Fort Max was not a small Cybertronian by any means. When your door opened, you were confused as to what a large metal wall was doing in front of it-

And then, you looked up. 

Fort Max stared down at you with an expression that made you wonder if his kind could get constipated. That train of thought in turn made you wince. He just continued to stare down at you.

Neither of you said anything for a long while.

You sighed. Well, if he wanted you to leave, you had better not give him more ammunition by being useless. In truth, you didn’t want to hear what he would say. You stepped around his giant foot, or was it called something else. 

You were such a coward.

He stopped you by moving his leg in front of you. “Should you be walking around?” His voice was full of stiff judgement. 

You knew he was mad at you before, now with the cuts and the scars he would be furious.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“That’s not a good answer,” 

You shrugged your shoulders carelessly, keeping your gaze downwards. Your fight was gone. So much for that anger from before. Could this be classified as a mood swing?

It was okay, you never wanted to raise your voice to him anyways. But you managed a squeak when he scooped you up. “Stop doing that!” You hissed at him as your stomach flipped around and you found your balance on his servo. 

“I shouldn’t have to,” His eyes were cold and his tone was entirely accusatory. Metal encompassed your whole body as he stared down at you, waiting. 

Did he have extra long canines? When did that happen? Had you never seen him this close before? Words failed you again. You couldn’t get mad at him. He thought that you were in danger and it turned out that you were just being stupid.

You saw his strength, thinking of Rung’s words. 

He had been through so much in his life and you? 

Where the hell did you get off self-harming? Did you secretly know that everyone would be able to smell the blood? Suddenly, the reason Rodimus backed the hell of you during that particular week made sense. Of course, you always too tired and in general, too aloof to notice. 

More than ever, you missed your family and your friends, and just- not having these responsibilities or these judgements hanging over your head. Going home would have been unbearable though. “Max, please.” You begged.

Fort Max kept his expression resolute. “You can’t be alone, not right now.” His original plan was to open up and to talk to you about everything that had transpired, but the moment he spotted you alone and about to walk out the door- he couldn’t stand the thought of letting you out of his sight. What if you cut again?

“I’m not going to be alone. I was going to go to my office and get some work done-” You peeked down from his hand, trying to judge the distance. Maybe, if you caught the panels on his leg, you could get down safely.

“That’s what you’ve been doing all week and look what happened,” His voice was unforgiving and hard. 

Where was he taking you? Oh god, not to docking bay. He couldn’t kick you off. He didn’t have the authority. You stared down at the floor and contemplated your course of action. Before, you could attempt to get down, he closed his hand around your waist. 

Max stopped in his tracks. “I need to understand-”

“Understand what?!” You were getting irritated. 

“Why…why are you doing this to yourself?”

You didn’t have the right, not by a long shot. Still, you didn’t appreciate the question: “I just want to get back to work. I am still needed here, and if not me, then someone else will replace me. That’s the way it has to be, okay?”

“You keep saying ‘okay’ but it’s not okay!” Metal on metal began to shake and vibrate. You curled up in his hand, hoping briefly that maybe he would storm off. 

He did, but you were still in his servo. You gripped his fingers as uncertainty and self-consciousness swirled around you like a gross anxiety cocktail. Panic set in and you found your voice going to a higher pitch on its own accord. “Where are you taking me? Max! Put me down,” 

Would he take you back to earth now? That wasn’t fair. But it was fair, it was what you deserved. You messed up, big time. “I’m sorry! Okay? I’m sorry I did this- but it’s not hindering my job performance, I’ve got it under control,”

He said nothing and you fought his grip harder and harder.

“Hey! Are you listening to me?”

A door slid opened and then shut. He deposited you on top of a familiar surface. His desk. 

You weren’t in the docking bay, you were in his habsuite. 

For a moment, you just looked around and then as he took a seat, you drew your legs up closer to yourself. 

What he said next surprised you: “You don’t have to talk about it. You can, if you want to, but you don’t have to.”

“Then, why am I here?”

The lights of the room had been dulled down. “I was going to-” He shook his head and put a servo over his optics. “I wanted to take you away from here, to protect you.”

Your heart stuttered in your chest. 

Fort Max put his hand down, “But it doesn’t matter much where you are, does it?” He stared at his digits. “I think sending you away was more of a punishment, you see, for myself. Rung says that I have a tendency to self-destruct in that way,”

“I’m familiar with the concept,” You added dully, staring at the wall behind his head. It was easy to get caught up in a guilty pleasure, then enforce strict rules for your ‘own good.’ But it was never for your own good, it was another type of pain that you used to pay back your guilt with. 

The mech’s servos twitched as your words washed over him. Again: he had no idea. “I never know how to interact with you. I never know what I should do or say. Every time I’m with you, I just feel so inferior. You’re always so bright and happy to everyone, even to those who don’t deserve it,”

“Max…”

He looked up with an almost angry expression. “I’m sorry for what I said, for how I said it, and for the pain it caused you. I’m sorry for thinking that sending you away was for anyone’s good but my own.”

“Do you want me gone? Would it make it easier?” You asked in quiet tone. Maybe you would leave, just for his sake. 

“I don’t want you to leave, not truly.” His helm went up as he exclaimed his reasoning in a flurry of emotion, “I wanted to not have to think about you in pain, it was too hard. I’m not…strong. I wanted to be strong for you, for everyone here. I don’t want to be a burden.” His gaze dropped again as his voice lowered. 

The red glow of his optics dimmed slightly. You felt yourself smile but it wasn’t a happy one. “It’s a killer,” You touched his servo, lightly caressing the metal. 

His shoulders slumped forward and he looked down at his hand and then back to you, a frown etched into his face plates. 

“That whole thing where we think that we’re not strong enough for everyone. We don’t have to be strong all of the time.” You rested your body against him. “We can talk to people, we can rest, we can cry, but we have to keep going, even when it sucks.” 

His servo curled around you again as he brought you closer and closer to his chassis.

“We can find better ways to deal with this shit. And we can acknowledge that it is shit, and that it’s not our fault it happens,” You let the warmth of him surround you.


End file.
